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THE SCHMOOZEROOM

random thoughts


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Jewish conjoined twins are separated continues...

Tired of arguing for 40 years, Sam and Bernie Rosenstein were successfully separated in a procedure lasting 14 hours. The Rosensteins shared one wallet between them. A wallet separation had never before been attempted. The surgical team of nine, made up of leather, paper and plastic specialists, had to painstakingly separate the cowhide wallet along with its contents. Sam was found to have more of the wallet than his brother Bernie. This complicated the goal of dividing the currency, credit cards, old receipts and phone numbers equitably. The procedure was tedious enough without Sam and Bernie's insistence that they be conscious during separation. Each so worried that the other would end up with more of the wallet. The surgery was halted many times due to their loud arguing. Sam, a successful clothing retailer, and Bernie, a prominent lawyer, had always looked forward to living separate lives. Now that they are able to go their separate ways, they still continue to argue and complain about just about everything, Today, as Bernie sues the surgical team, claiming a three dollar shortage in his half of the wallet, Sam is having a half off sale in six of his outlet stores.
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Poker in Outer Space continues...

Plans are going ahead for a casino that will orbit the earth. The new orbiting casino, dubbed the "SPACE SHUFFLE," is a joint venture of Harrahs Gaming International and a distinguished group of Gamblers Anonymous members. The recently formed partnership will be called NASA (Never Advise Serious Addicts). Top priority will be given to that special individual with a gambling compulsion. The idea of being jettisoned into space to gamble, will, NASA hopes, discourage the casual, infrequent gambler. Guests of the orbiting casino will be treated to lavish accommodations seldom found on terra firma. A simulated earthlike day/night cycle will occur, although the sun actually rises and sets eight times in a twenty-four hour period. Weightlessness is the only obvious sensation that the gambler will experience. Thus, gambling in space has spawned an entirely new industry. Development of magnetic poker chips, velcro playing cards and tropical cocktail drink containers that prevent the little umbrella from floating away are just a few considerations. Smokers will be happy to hear that there will be no "smoke free" tables. Rather, a small apparatus has been developed that allows a smoker to inhale and exhale without any smoke escaping. 100% of the smoke goes into the smokers lungs, making second hand smoke an impossibility. NASA's marketing people are loving the project. Despite being weightless in an orbiting casino, you can send a true human message. Some examples: "You're out of this world," "Could you float me a loan?" "You are a real space case," and "I can get it up but I can't fall in love." SayPlay will act as the official tour organizer. All information regarding departure times, accommodations etc. can be found in our attractive brochure entitled "Maybe tonight, if you play your cards right." The theme of our first visit to the orbiting casino will be "Up Your Ante."
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Circumcision recall continues...

All male circumcisions performed in the United States between the years 1968 and 1981 have been recalled. In most cases, the correct clamp and blade was used, but there have been reports of a weed whacker used for the procedure. A simple, painless examination will reveal whether the blade or whacker was used. Please call us immediately to schedule an examination. We will let you know when an examiner will be in your area. Call toll free 1-866-638-6266. You will be directed to the chief examiners office headed by Donna Palmer and Tracy Handel. Donna and Tracy are discreet. Your privacy is of utmost importance. At the appointed time, a stretch limo will pick you up and the inspection will begin. Although there is no procedure in place to correct a faulty circumcision, anyone circumcised with a weed whacker will be compensated at the time of inspection. Ms. Palmer or Ms. Handel will decide the monitary award on a case by case bases. Again, if you are a male and circumsized between the years 1968 and 1981, you may be elgible for financial compensation.
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1 Hour Cloning continues...

Bring in a strand of hair and a recent photograph of whoever you want replicated. In one hour you will be presented with an exact copy. There are some considerations before you clone people or pets. The cloned copies we present to you will be exact in every way, in age, appearance and behavior. If your boyfriend or husband is lazy or does not satisfy you sexually, the cloned copy will also be a slacker or a limp fish. If your girlfriend or wife thinks that the purpose of life is to shop or critiques the ceiling paint during sex, the cloned copy will also be Michelleangelo or will attempt suicide while reading The Fall of the Mall. If your pooch barks at everything and everybody, and your purring friend claws only the nice furniture, their clones too will be howlers and shredders. Now for the best part. For an extra charge (money well spent), 1 Hour Cloning will perform additional DNA manipulation. Our patented process eliminates all memory while still retaining age and appearance. We can create a perfect clone of a person or pet without the baggage of the past. Now imagine the man or woman of your dreams, perhaps a co-worker or someone you notice at a party or at the gym Saturday morning. Perhaps it is someone you are attracted to, who wants nothing to do with you. Just think. What if you could return to a person who really turned you on, but broke up with or divorced you. Think of the possibilities! Remember, all we need is a strand of hair and a recent photograph. 1 Hour Cloning reserves the right to limit the number of cloned people or pets. We clone dogs and cats only. Please, no farm animals. The collection of hair and picture taking is the responsibility of our 1 Hour Cloning clients. 1 Hour Cloning is not liable for any citation or legal costs stemming from altercations or action brought by people or pet owners in the collection of hair or photos. Stop by any one of the 1,138 1 Hour Cloning offices. Contact David Neumann at SayPlay.com for an office near you. __________________________________

Dr. Chuck Darwin

Dr. Darwin continues...

There is much controversy surrounding Dr. Darwin's belief that the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden was a banana rather then an apple. Dr. Darwin's latest book, which is entitled "I Hold the Scripture with My Opposable Thumb," has been met favorably by the Intelligent Design community. Dr. Darwin recently married the former Miss Kansas, now an executive with Find Your Missing Link, a dating service for all primates, with special attention to the Great Apes. Dr. Darwin's knuckles hurt at the end of the day from walking, and his daydreams of finding a rope and old tire to swing on occur all too often. Still he knows that his devout faith will get him through. On the lighter side, he has just agreed to consult for the new television program "Monkey Makeover." Dr. Darwin is best known for his impassioned, uplifting message to the youth of America. "Whether you are a chimpanzee, a gorilla, an orangutan or a human, you can grow up to be President of the United States." __________________________________

The Vatican Times reports:

People taking communion at the Vatican is up 280% ever since strudel and beer replaced the traditional wafer and wine. Don't expect to see the Pope in lederhosen any time soon, although plans are going ahead for a Vatican Octoberfest. Rumors are flying that the Pope will play the tuba to open the festival.
OOMPAPA!
OOMPAPA!
It has been known for some time that Pope Benedict XVl is quite the music buff. Vatican officials had to pursuade him not to sing at his inaguration. He so wanted to sing his version of the song that Barbra Streisand made famous-"papal, papal who need papal, are the luckiest papal in the world."
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Important Scientific Discovery continues...

A team of anthropologists and archaeologists recently discovered that the key component in the well known drug Viagra is a natural substance that was abundant on earth some 800,000 years ago. Roughly the time that scientists believe Man started walking erect. Thus, Viagra users are commonly referred to as Homo erectus.
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Was it something I said
Should have said
Something I didn't say
But you thought you heard

I checked with hospitals
prisons
homeless shelters
and pier 39
-they all said you just left
I even called my contact on Mars
to see if you were on any abduction list

then I thought you didn't answer my calls
because you had caller ID and you kept
a record of my home, business, fax and cell numbers
I thought of driving around the city looking
for obscure phone booths that you may not have a record of
-like a fugitive looking for a safe house.

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If money is the root of all evil-
And, "what do you think, money grows on trees."
Then why do we cherish gold leaf-

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Forget the tech stocks. How do I invest in the company that makes those little signs that read "next window please." Can you imagine, you're ready to go. The note is written. You've said your good-byes. You're on the 43rd floor of a highrise, ready to jump and everywhere you look it says "next window please." Which gets me back to banks, the post office and a woman sitting next to me in a bar who I turn to and ask "what's your sign?" I can't believe what she said. Now I hate banks, the post office AND bars. And I haven't been in any structure over 2 stories high since. As for investing, I'm still waiting for my "next window" of opportunity.

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A copyright lawyer is walking along the shore of a lake when he suddenly hears someone scream "Help!." The copyright lawyer sees where the scream is coming from and calls out "the word 'help' alone has been taken. Use the word in a sentence or phrase. Maybe we can find something there." The person then screams "Help, I'm drowning." The copyright lawyer calls out "Sorry, I'M has also been taken, but try I AM drowning. We might have something there." By then, the person had slipped below the surface of the water. All the copyright lawyer heard now was " Blub, Blub, Blub, Blub." The copyright lawyer calls out "Blubs one through three have been taken, but you can definitely have the four successive Blubs. I'll get the copyright registration process going first thing in the morning."

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Classical Muzak Blues

Come Bach
Are you Haydn from me
I need your help
I'm so Baroque

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SayPlay Custom Tubing

Just give us your company's name or significant other's name. We will handsomely inscribe whatever you wish on our great selection of beautiful tubing. We at SayPlay Custom Tubing want to be there for you if your business or relationship "goes down the tubes."

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Sometimes we are just plain animals-

"Do you think I'm lion to you? Trust me deer. I would never cheetah on you. After all, life is gibbon take."

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From now on, everyone will be issued a hand truck, so that your desk goes wherever you go. I never again want to hear "I'm sorry, he's away from his desk."

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Death death death death death, death death death, death.

 

2003-2014 David Neumann.

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