Welcome to

Barbara Sawyer (above) writes
the Nurotik Times newsletter.
Brian Dorn contributed a great
article this month entitled "Fear
is only the word ear with an F in
front." Barbara is seen here
correcting a typo.

Club Nurotik "regulars", Jean
Sweeney and Bob Ward having
fun on Hawaiian holiday.


Ladies and Gentlemen-
Welcome to Club Nurotik

Where love is in the air
and everyone has a beautiful complexion
where dye is in the hair
and everyone fears rejection
take a chance
take a glance
and you will find that perhaps
your shoes don't go with your pants
that perhaps you forgot to unplug the iron
is the valet parking attendant smoking in your car
what vodka are they pouring
wow! look over there
that one
the one you've been checking out all night
is looking at you
this could be it
the big one
oh god
what will you talk about
why did you have that garlic and chicken
and garlic and more garlic pasta
just before coming here
is there anything in your teeth
do you have a tic tac
okay, here it goes
maybe you should have another drink
before you go over there
well here it goes
you do have a silver tongue
watch this
just watch
here it goes
"roses are red violets are purple
what's your name
oh yes miss slurple"
"let's do brunch let's do lunch
after all I've got a hunch"
did you get her number
she's been in the ladies room a long time
do you think she's coming back
of course
she really likes you
hey what's happening
the lights are going on
and they're asking you to leave

Club Nurotik
where everyone thinks they are
someone else
and you know they are
because you are

I've got to go home now and floss


I went to see my analyst today
I was in and out in no time
Used the express couch
"6 problems or fewer"

But really, I don't need psychoanalysis
I was born preshrunk


I called myself the other day, but there was no answer. So I left a message. Why don't I return my call. This happened once before. We were having problems. Although I took myself out often, treating myself to fine dining, the theater and lavish gifts, nothing seemed to work. I knew myself well enough to know that my love could not be bought, yet to be with me, I felt that I needed to make a statement. I started to wonder. What do I have in common with myself? Are we compatible? Do I see myself truly committed to me. One day I decided to take a break from myself, to sort things out. It was difficult. The temptation was always there to call or write a letter. Time went by. I missed myself, but did not want to return to a relationship of deception and mistrust. Then I met you. You are completely different than me. Unlike me, I so enjoy your company. Now, I'm not so sure I want to hear from myself. I have realized that I can get along without myself just fine.


Panic Professionals, Inc.

Have you ever wished that you could have someone worry for you? Say, a professional you could pay to panic. Simply present this person with your bills, your IRA statement, your soepena, etc. and then watch them convulse around the floor, attempt to climb the walls, overeat, pound down martinis and scream at everyone in your family. Well, now it's possible. Call Panic Professionals, Inc. for an appointment. You will never need to worry again. And make sure to use a credit card when paying the worry professional. It will give you a little breathing room before your next bank statement and another panic professional appointment. Turn those adolescent years, the college days and that midlife crises into "one big holiday." Panic Professionals, Inc. CALL TODAY.


Quick Thinking
Quick Wit
Fast Talking
Mind Racing

What's the rush?

Slow down and smell the perfume and aftershave. Now you can get speed bumps to slow down those racing thoughts. A simple to use installation kit with clear, easy to follow instructions will be shipped to you for a low, low price of $199.99 + shipping and handling. The installation kit provides everything you need to implant the "slow down bumps" into your brain. A friend or family member can easily do this for you. Your kit also includes a brain wave meter to measure your slowing thought processes. After the procedure is complete and your meter is recording a significant slowdown, you will find that people are drawn to you. They will say that you're a good listener. Friends will think that you are quiet because you are having profound and heady thoughts. Your brain storms become mere cloud swirls, your bright ideas more like flickering candles. But, unlike before, employment opportunities abound. Employment counselors are astounded by your "off the charts" aptitude for simple repetitive tasks. We do offer a money back guarantee. If you do not become the dull, slow, lethargic person that you wish to be, we will gladly refund the $199.99+shipping and handling. Please allow 4-6 years for your refund.

What's the rush?

2003-2014 David Neumann.

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